Tag: Relationships

I will try to fix you

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Last time I looked, I didn’t own a magic wand! And, it’s true, there are times in my room I wish with all my heart that I had one.

Take the couple who have been together for 4 years and she discovers that her husband has changed his mind about wanting children. Or the couple who have spent 50 years together, only to discover there was an indiscretion about 5 years in. Perhaps it’s the wife who thought leaving her family in the UK whilst she started a family here wouldn’t worry her…only to find that it actually breaks her heart. Could be a child is seriously ill with little chance of recovery and this couple can’t face that together.

Yes. Sometimes I want a magic wand. I really really want a magic wand.

At times like these I settle back into the bigger questions about my practice.

What is my role?

In the midst of despair or journeys around corners heading into brick walls, the hardest part is to sit back and watch it happen. When, more than anything, I want the relationship in front of me to be ‘fixed’, to be warm and loving and offer both parties a soft place to fall, I am sometimes faced with the reality that none of that is going to happen.

People leave. People change. Life throws curve balls and sometimes things aren’t meant to be fixed. And for all the expertise that I have grown over all of these years and all the strategies, the goodwill, the rapport and connection…I am sometimes left with the fact that I can’t help to pull things together.

What I can do, is help couples understand their ‘whys’; help them accept with dignity, understanding and grace. Help them face what they never wanted to face and surprise themselves with the way they found their way through.

Yes – it’s true – I will try to ‘fix’ the relationships dynamics. I will try to inject some empathy and clarity and encourage experiential connection to happen right there in the room. To be honest, most of the time couples come through. Because getting in the door is already a step of dedication and sometimes……hidden somewhere deep in the conversation, we find the magic wand they had all along.

Load-Bearing Walls

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By Julian Bartlett-Keates

A Load-bearing wall is a structural element that supports the weight of what’s above it. It provides needed stability to an entire structure. When a load bearing wall is taken out, the structure becomes unstable. Sometimes this happens dramatically, a house imploding in on itself like some kind of tragic souffle. But often, instead, It happens gradually. Ceilings sag, doors no longer close or open properly. Eventually, there’s a collapse, but it happens slowly. Load-bearing walls are removed accidentally all the time, and often with far-reaching consequences.

Timothy is a busy man. He works 10-6 through the week and coaches childrens soccer on weekends. On Thursday nights, Timothy is home alone. His wife works an evening shift, and with no kids he has the house to himself. Well, himself and the dog. He watches movies, he listens to music. He plays video games he used to be better at. For the past three Thursdays, he’s been trying to teach the dog to bark when it hears the Yellowstone Intro. And when Timothy’s wife gets home at 10.30pm he meets her at the door and tells her he missed her. And he does miss her. She’s his favourite person. Don’t tell the dog. When her work schedule shifts he greets the increased quality time with optimism. His wife has been wanting them to watch Yellowstone so they start watching three episodes on a Thursday night. Besides the constant barking, he doesn’t mind it.

A few weeks in, something strange happens. Timothy snaps at a co-worker. They’re late. Always. And frankly it’s always annoyed him, but this is really the first time he’s actually snapped. He notices he has a lot on his mind, and starts finding it harder to sleep. He’s never wanted to take a day off so badly. He notices himself getting frustrated with break room conversations, grocery trips and even, at times, with relatively innocuous things that his wife says. She brings it up. He doesn’t know what to say. They argue. He feels worn out. Really worn out. He feels like he can’t seem to find a second anywhere to breathe. I can take this in any number of dramatic and shocking directions, but I think you probably see where I’m going with this one. Timothy took out a load-bearing wall in his life.

If things feel important, even if you don’t have the words to justify why, it’s worth looking into why they feel important. And if you’re noticing sagging ceilings, and doors that stick, maybe it’s worth really considering the things you need in place to hold up everything above.

Where’s your Aim?

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In a recent session, I sat back in my chair and let it all unfold. I let it run. I disregarded the pure fruitlessness of their discussion and, dare I say, the impending damage. Sometimes this is a time that I can gain valuable insight into what’s happening at home. I will often ask that very question when I pause them,

“Is this how things usually unfold at home?”

In a recent guest post that I published by Julian Bartlett-Keates, he suggested that humans often prefer to be right more than to be effective and sadly he’s right.

In order to be effective we need a goal. If we have a goal we can better aim and modify. I think most couples go into discussions believing that the goal is to negotiate some of their needs or share some of their opinions. But I wonder how different any discussion might be, if the goal were consistently aimed at, and for, the relationship first?

If we think about what kind of relationship we long for we might come up with things like: I want her to feel safe, I want him to feel admired, I want her to know that I’m always on her side, I want him to know I never want to do life without him, I want my partner to know that through good time and bad that I am the safe harbor, I want to feel close, I want to feel accepted.

I wonder…….how ‘effective’ communication could be if the goal was – relationship first?

What if the goal wasn’t focused on the next few minutes but rather focused on the next 20 years? What if the preferred outcome of every discussion was to add weight to the anchor of our relationship What if (even through difficult discussion) we were able to help our partner feel more loved and heard.

How effective could that be?

Where’s your aim?

Effective Communication

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By Julian Bartlett-Keates

“I believe one of the greatest human failings is to prefer to be right than to be effective”
This is a quote from Stephen Fry, someone I admire quite considerably. I believe it’s true. I’m guilty of it myself. I think many can relate to the experience of being so pulled into an argument that whether it’s a useful expenditure of your time and energy goes completely out of the window. Perhaps an internet argument. Perhaps Jenny from New Plymouth implied on one of your marketplace listings that you’re a bad pet owner and she can’t possibly be allowed to get away with it. The same thing can happen in relationships. Sometimes it can be valuable to make sure we’re aiming for the right thing. Am I trying to be right, or am I trying to be effective? Are we having the same conversations? Where will those conversations get us? Life is hard, and we all get tired. Trying something new takes energy we don’t always feel like we have. But new habits and new conversations lead to different results. And a lot of us could use some different results. So if we feel like we’re circling the drain of the same argument or disagreement that we’ve had a million times, let’s think about the conversations we’re not having

Affairs and Relationship Recovery

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Don’t believe all the hype. No really! Don’t.

It never fails to amaze me how many ‘relationship’ and modern day ‘moral’ experts there are out there. Especially on social media. As a generality, if you have a spouse who has strayed, our society does not support staying in that relationship. Facebook warriors and well meaning Aunts proclaim that you are – quote : Worth more. You would think that the transgression had been yours (not your spouse’s) because the peer and societal weight of shame leveled at you if you stay, can be immense.

Affairs can have a devastating effect on relationships. They can also provide a platform for communication that is more transparent and honest than many relationships can only dream of.

I believe that leaving a relationship after an affair is brave. I believe that staying is braver. It could be that recovery is not possible. It could also be that the relationship is born anew; stronger, closer, more real, more committed and with higher levels of intimacy.

There are stages to it’s recovery, and getting through the crisis stage is not for the faint-hearted. But the rewards can be worth the journey.

As Esther Perel says in her book ‘The State of Affairs’, we expect so very much of our relationships now. Just listen to some modern vows and the promises we make! We promise to satisfy our spouses every need. And we expect the same in return. We expect our partner to be stable but to offer excitement, be practical but connect with us spiritually. They should be our best friend, our confidante, our financial security, our mind reader. They should be emotionally intelligent and know how to respond to us emotionally at any moment of the day. They should feel comfortable and un-demanding but be able to stimulate us intellectually. They should accept us in our fluffy pajamas but still want to approach us with ‘rip your clothes off passion’! It’s little wonder that relationships can feel under par or lifeless and we, or our partners can feel not good enough.

Relationships benefit from a dose of reality. If we work hard and keep communication strong, we can work our way through the toughest differences and disappointments. Once the initial shock and flight or fight responses subside, an affair can help bring us back to ground zero, where we can work out what it is we both want and …how possible that is……and what we are both prepared to do to get the relationship there. It affords opportunity for thoughts that were previously in the shadows to come out in the light, where they can be considered and heard.

Don’t listen to the hype. Staying might not always be the right choice – but when it is – its brave and can reap big rewards.

Of Death, Step-Parents, Displaced Parents and Blends.

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As I sit to write this I can feel that sense of ‘do you have a right?’ sitting in the far reaches of the right side of my head. Crazy right? I’m a counsellor; feelings just are. But it really, really, really is never that simple. (Lots of ‘reallys’ and I meant every one).

You would gather that parts of me are in this story. And parts are clients. And parts are family – in all it’s forms.

When we think of step parents and blended families our mind goes to the two ‘parents’ in a home with children. But there are many far reaching effects of blended families for years to come . This short post is about one seldom thought of.

Imagine you have a step-dad from the age of 4 until you are 19 (when he leaves and starts another family). And imagine you are older and it is some 30-40 years later and he dies. My question is – what is your allocation of ‘ the right to grieve’?

If it’s your Mum or your Dad, your allocation of the right to grieve is obvious; it is not questioned. Or at least it’s not questioned if your Mum and Dad are still together.

If it is your step parent (and your parents stayed together until that step parent died) then a little nudge for allocation might be needed – like ‘He was my Dad from when I was 11 to now’. And Voila! – its kind of explainable and your grief is recognized; some may even say – understood.

But if your Step Dad or your Dad went on to have a whole new family the displacement is surreal. Funerals are organized by his ‘now family. And you watch the forward motion of social grief, with all it’s condolences and photographs and memories, steadfastly roll forward with little or no recognition of the 10 or 15 years of his life that you were pivotal in.

This displacement comes up in lots of situations but sadly (and understandably) those at the front of the line in the ‘right to grieve’ are tied up in their own grief – they may even feel they have more ownership of that grief.

So spare a thought for the son in law who only came on the scene 10 years ago when the rest of the family have been around for 40 years and gets none of the ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’…. Or for the daughter who sits at her fathers funeral, where she knows no-one and listens to stories all about her fathers new life and nothing about herself in his old.

If you are lucky – someone in their new life lets you in….just a little. It doesn’t stop the feeling of displacement. It doesn’t stop the questions about the ‘right to grieve’. But it helps.

Look around at Funerals. It takes nothing away from you to acknowledge those left holding she shortest ‘right to grieve’ straw.

Goodbye Dad

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On a morning walk during the last school holidays, I had the opportunity to see suburbia in its early buzz. And most of what I saw was good. Some pretty gardens with happy flowers, teddy bears still peeking out of a few windows, people coming out to check the mailbox and waving hello. But I also saw something but made me feel sad. Three SUVs pulling up at separate curbs – their engines humming outside nicely groomed houses. None of the driver’s turned their engines off. Only one of the drivers got out of this car. No-one was waiting on the curb or came out to greet them. And overflowing out of the passenger doors …children, all of them around school age carrying little cases or backpacks shouting… “Goodbye Dad”… several of them running back to try to give a final hug.

These were not children being dropped off for a weekend sleepover with a friend. These children were most likely being dropped off between a separated Mum and Dad. How did I know? A number of things were obvious like the cases on their back (and several other items dragged from the car) but also the tone of the goodbye to Dad was not the kind that says I will see you later in the day.

We are bringing up generations of children who’s normal is being split between homes with different rules and different atmospheres. Not for them any cozy Friday night movie nights with Mum and Dad together making the world secure.

I felt sad. Mainly I felt sad because I knew how torn most of these children would be feeling and that it was most likely that at times they were forced to choose out loud or in their own head which of their parents was the most reliable or lovable; children growing up too soon.

I believe relationships can thrive. I believe in the power of commitment hard work and at times professional intervention to facilitate a way through. And I believe that even if couples choose not to stay together there is still the ability to role model what respectful and caring relationships look like in the face of separation. And that would include – Dads getting out of their cars and Mums coming out on the curb to greet the arrival. When children step out of that car they step onto the wobbly bridge that spans no mans land. The least parents can do is swallow their own hurts/pride/anger/indifference and hold their children’s hand until they get to the other side.

Is your Relationship worth it?

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I believe relationships are worth the effort. If there are two willing hearts, who are willing to do the hard work, relationships can be wonderful.

But what does hard work in a relationship even mean?

We think of hard work as ‘putting our back into it’ or working long hours. But I think hard work in a relationship looks a lot more like this :

  • Making an effort even though you don’t feel like it (getting up and making that cup of tea or doing the dishes even though wasn’t your turn or getting up in the middle of the night to heat the heat pack and bring the panadol even though you are in pain yourself or listening to the same old work story!).
  • Feeling, angry, frustrated, misunderstood, unappreciated, unseen and lonely sometimes.
  • Biting our tongue when we know the moment is not right (even though we are!). 
  • Going without what we need at times because we know the other person cannot see what we need or is unable to give it in that moment.
  • Negotiating and renegotiating and giving up some of the things but we would really like. 
  • Giving up a few of our wants and possibly even a few of our dreams along the way.
  • Finding ways to love or accept what our partner loves.
  • Being kind, when kindness is the farthest away from our instinct.

And hard work in a relationship is also:

  • Looking after ourselves (sleep, nutrition, time to ourselves, hobbies and friends away from the relationship).
  • Setting and respecting our boundaries.
  • Knowing our limits and ourselves.
  • Working on ourselves as individuals

And now that I have shared a smidgen of how I believe hard work in a relationship looks .. . Tell me….

Are you ready to roll up your sleeves, jump in with both feet and give it all you’ve got?

If you would like my valued opinion: You reap what you sew. It’s totally worth it.

What if love’s lost behind words we can never find?

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Love lost behind

‘What about now? What about today?
What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it’s lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it’s too late, what about now?’

Words unspoken and words spoken is, I believe, the number one reason relationships fail. And of course, the work that I do is to directly work on this.

Whilst it’s true that hurtful things said can never be taken away, sometimes understanding the motivation for saying them can dull or even remove that hurt. And whilst feeling as if we are getting little response from our partner can make us feel unwanted, when we understand the dynamics of our communication we can better reach each other.

In relationships we tend to mostly exist in a surface loop. By this I mean dealing with everyday stuff and repetitive patterns. We argue about why our partner is late home from work again or how they seem to have two different sets of rules (one for their family and another one for ours). What we seldom manage to get to is how worried our partner is about losing his job or how our partner feels she never feels good enough around her Mother –in-law. Not only do we struggle to get to these conversations but we also struggle to understand the far reaching impact of the feelings underneath on both sides.

‘Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading, from all the things that we are
Are not saying, can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?’

One of the best parts of my job is when I can facilitate a view into the love hiding behind the hurt; when there are experiential moments when a couple can feel the full force of the caring they are longing for. Usually there are tears. Often there is surprise and relief. It’s these moments, fed by an understanding of the dynamics, values, fears and historical role modelling lurking below that provide the fuel to keep working.

‘The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace
Shadows fade into the light
I am by your side, where love will find you….’

Find the words. I can help.

 

Lyrics from the song What about now by Daughtry.

We don’t need more Good Sorts Jacinda

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Today was a good day. Someone had my back.

Twenty minutes into a couples session I realized that there were some details that sounded familiar.

I paused and looked at the young man in the room. He smiled and said warmly,

“I called you two months ago on a dark day”.

I re-ran the call in my mind a little; his story had overflowed into the phone; his confusion and sadness palpable. I had answered his call just five minutes before my next client appointment and felt out of time but I had done my best. I told him things would get better and that there would be a way through and then I gave him a number. I told him that if they didn’t answer or couldn’t help him today he needed to call me back and I would find someone for him. I told him I trusted him to do that.

I knew I had to hand it on; the ‘it’ he was dealing with: the confusion and fear. Because I am not a super human. I have limits. But my heart sank as I did because the truth is our mental health system is in severe trouble. And people in real need get answering machines or get told the next appointment available is in 3 weeks. Real people. Sitting in the corner of their room clutching the phone and struggling to breathe.

So I said a little prayer. I prayed that the people at the end of that number would step in; that they would do their job and do it well. I prayed that they would have my back.

And my prayer was answered.

They answered the phone. They made it a priority to see him. And within a few hours he was sitting in front of someone who steadied the ground beneath his feet, normalized his fear and helped him plan his next move.

So here he was some weeks later, in my room, with his wife; seeking the specialty I offer (relationship counselling). They had some work to do to pull things together but they were on their way to better days; days filled with more certainty, trust and connection.

I’m not sure how it has become acceptable for Doctors to refer a patient for counselling – and 2 months later it still hasn’t been ‘processed’. I don’t know how these delays have become accepted as the norm with seemingly little fight to change it.

We don’t need 100 Good Sorts going above and beyond and burning themselves out to patch up the few people they can reach. We need a few thousand professionals (and more); Trained, confident, equipped, paid and receiving decent professional supervision. We need to get face to face with the people who need us within hours not months.

Today was a good day. Someone had my back. That’s what we mental health professional need.

Glue for your relationship

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glue  /noun  /   
An adhesive substance used for sticking objects or materials together.
If I could manufacture relationship glue and sell it online, I’m sure I would be an overnight success story. I may even get to retire my imaginary magic wand!
And here’s the thing…….there is a glue for relationships. It’s not available in supermarkets or health food stores. Nor is it available in your favorite hardware outlet. But it is readily available wherever a human being exists.  And here are some examples of that glue in action:
Crossing the divide in a tense discussion and rubbing your partners neck (because he had complained about it earlier)
Or
Saying the cheese toast ‘just hit the spot’ even though it was soggy.
or
Stopping and listening to your partners complaints about the traffic and his boss – even though your day was pretty horrendous too.
Or
Getting up silently and loading the dishwasher, even though it’s not your turn (because she looks tired tonight)
or
Telling him you appreciate him putting the kids to bed (even though he didn’t do it quite the way you would have liked)
or
Saying she looks beautiful (even though she is running 20 minutes late for a night out)
Have you worked out what the glue is called yet?
Its called kindness.

 

It’s so underrated isn’t it? Being kind? But being kind can fix a host of ills. Being kind can build a bridge. Being kind can foster a connection that will weather irritations and ill matched values.

Being kind can turn tense discussions into resolutions just because you reached out – touched her hand/rubbed his neck/ told him he was appreciated/gave her a loving look etc

Kindness is communication. It says ‘I care’. I may not agree. But I care. And in the end. Isn’t that the thing we most want to hear?

When we are treated with kindness it fills us with warmth and gratitude and we feel blessed and we want to give some of that back……………and hey presto……..glue invisibly but with certainty pulls us closer together and tells us there is no other place we would rather be; we see the relationship as a soft place to fall.

Create some glue.

 

Good cop – Bad cop – Wanna swap?

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So the kids know right? They know it’s Dad they ask when they want to have a sleep out, in a mouldy tent, on the back lawn, with weather forecasts of 5 degrees and steady rain. And they know it’s Mum they ask at 6pm on Sunday night when they need help with their social studies assignment which is due on Monday morning.

The kids have got you sussed! Whether it’s through ‘personality analysis’ (!) or smart timing our kids are pretty on the ball when it comes to asking for things that they want.

Years back after visiting a friend my son spoke candidly about what he thought she should have done when her child mis-behaved! I remember sitting in silence the rest of the journey a little ‘freaked out’. If he so clearly saw the dynamics of my friends parenting skills – what did he think of mine!

Have you ever wondered how it is that your child ‘sees you’?

We all have a uniqueness that influences the roles we play. Dad might be ‘the emotive perfectionist’ while Mum is ‘the laid back stabilizer’. Mum might be ‘the  soft touch negotiator’ whilst Dad is ‘the firm layer down of the law‘. In all relationships we make space and find our niche. Generally, when this is respectfully done between parents, the push and pull, light and shade of their roles weaves the unique dynamic that makes up their family. Sometimes though we can find ourselves cornered into a role that we no longer want.

The expression ‘he was angry enough for both of us’ explains well how a partner might influence our behaviour. When one person is so proudly the organiser it might not leave anyone else (including their partner) room to be this. Feelings of frustration or inadequacy can step in. Even, as a single parent we have a certain ways we see ourselves – a certain ‘parental identity’ that can disallow us ways of being we might prefer.

How might it be to step away from ‘planned and organised’ and into ‘we’ll go where the breeze takes us’ – even just for an afternoon? Or how might it be for ‘the timekeeper’ to take a break sometimes and be able to hand her watch over to Dad? Likewise it might be good for Dad to come home and find that consequences have already been metered out and he is free to cuddle by the fire with the kids and be ‘just loving’ tonight.

Is there a part of your parenting role you would like to play more often?

Good cop -Bad cop….wanna swap?

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This article was originally written for The Guardian newspaper and Parentline.