Tag: Love

I will try to fix you

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Last time I looked, I didn’t own a magic wand! And, it’s true, there are times in my room I wish with all my heart that I had one.

Take the couple who have been together for 4 years and she discovers that her husband has changed his mind about wanting children. Or the couple who have spent 50 years together, only to discover there was an indiscretion about 5 years in. Perhaps it’s the wife who thought leaving her family in the UK whilst she started a family here wouldn’t worry her…only to find that it actually breaks her heart. Could be a child is seriously ill with little chance of recovery and this couple can’t face that together.

Yes. Sometimes I want a magic wand. I really really want a magic wand.

At times like these I settle back into the bigger questions about my practice.

What is my role?

In the midst of despair or journeys around corners heading into brick walls, the hardest part is to sit back and watch it happen. When, more than anything, I want the relationship in front of me to be ‘fixed’, to be warm and loving and offer both parties a soft place to fall, I am sometimes faced with the reality that none of that is going to happen.

People leave. People change. Life throws curve balls and sometimes things aren’t meant to be fixed. And for all the expertise that I have grown over all of these years and all the strategies, the goodwill, the rapport and connection…I am sometimes left with the fact that I can’t help to pull things together.

What I can do, is help couples understand their ‘whys’; help them accept with dignity, understanding and grace. Help them face what they never wanted to face and surprise themselves with the way they found their way through.

Yes – it’s true – I will try to ‘fix’ the relationships dynamics. I will try to inject some empathy and clarity and encourage experiential connection to happen right there in the room. To be honest, most of the time couples come through. Because getting in the door is already a step of dedication and sometimes……hidden somewhere deep in the conversation, we find the magic wand they had all along.

Where’s your Aim?

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In a recent session, I sat back in my chair and let it all unfold. I let it run. I disregarded the pure fruitlessness of their discussion and, dare I say, the impending damage. Sometimes this is a time that I can gain valuable insight into what’s happening at home. I will often ask that very question when I pause them,

“Is this how things usually unfold at home?”

In a recent guest post that I published by Julian Bartlett-Keates, he suggested that humans often prefer to be right more than to be effective and sadly he’s right.

In order to be effective we need a goal. If we have a goal we can better aim and modify. I think most couples go into discussions believing that the goal is to negotiate some of their needs or share some of their opinions. But I wonder how different any discussion might be, if the goal were consistently aimed at, and for, the relationship first?

If we think about what kind of relationship we long for we might come up with things like: I want her to feel safe, I want him to feel admired, I want her to know that I’m always on her side, I want him to know I never want to do life without him, I want my partner to know that through good time and bad that I am the safe harbor, I want to feel close, I want to feel accepted.

I wonder…….how ‘effective’ communication could be if the goal was – relationship first?

What if the goal wasn’t focused on the next few minutes but rather focused on the next 20 years? What if the preferred outcome of every discussion was to add weight to the anchor of our relationship What if (even through difficult discussion) we were able to help our partner feel more loved and heard.

How effective could that be?

Where’s your aim?

Affairs and Relationship Recovery

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Don’t believe all the hype. No really! Don’t.

It never fails to amaze me how many ‘relationship’ and modern day ‘moral’ experts there are out there. Especially on social media. As a generality, if you have a spouse who has strayed, our society does not support staying in that relationship. Facebook warriors and well meaning Aunts proclaim that you are – quote : Worth more. You would think that the transgression had been yours (not your spouse’s) because the peer and societal weight of shame leveled at you if you stay, can be immense.

Affairs can have a devastating effect on relationships. They can also provide a platform for communication that is more transparent and honest than many relationships can only dream of.

I believe that leaving a relationship after an affair is brave. I believe that staying is braver. It could be that recovery is not possible. It could also be that the relationship is born anew; stronger, closer, more real, more committed and with higher levels of intimacy.

There are stages to it’s recovery, and getting through the crisis stage is not for the faint-hearted. But the rewards can be worth the journey.

As Esther Perel says in her book ‘The State of Affairs’, we expect so very much of our relationships now. Just listen to some modern vows and the promises we make! We promise to satisfy our spouses every need. And we expect the same in return. We expect our partner to be stable but to offer excitement, be practical but connect with us spiritually. They should be our best friend, our confidante, our financial security, our mind reader. They should be emotionally intelligent and know how to respond to us emotionally at any moment of the day. They should feel comfortable and un-demanding but be able to stimulate us intellectually. They should accept us in our fluffy pajamas but still want to approach us with ‘rip your clothes off passion’! It’s little wonder that relationships can feel under par or lifeless and we, or our partners can feel not good enough.

Relationships benefit from a dose of reality. If we work hard and keep communication strong, we can work our way through the toughest differences and disappointments. Once the initial shock and flight or fight responses subside, an affair can help bring us back to ground zero, where we can work out what it is we both want and …how possible that is……and what we are both prepared to do to get the relationship there. It affords opportunity for thoughts that were previously in the shadows to come out in the light, where they can be considered and heard.

Don’t listen to the hype. Staying might not always be the right choice – but when it is – its brave and can reap big rewards.

What if love’s lost behind words we can never find?

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Love lost behind

‘What about now? What about today?
What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it’s lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it’s too late, what about now?’

Words unspoken and words spoken is, I believe, the number one reason relationships fail. And of course, the work that I do is to directly work on this.

Whilst it’s true that hurtful things said can never be taken away, sometimes understanding the motivation for saying them can dull or even remove that hurt. And whilst feeling as if we are getting little response from our partner can make us feel unwanted, when we understand the dynamics of our communication we can better reach each other.

In relationships we tend to mostly exist in a surface loop. By this I mean dealing with everyday stuff and repetitive patterns. We argue about why our partner is late home from work again or how they seem to have two different sets of rules (one for their family and another one for ours). What we seldom manage to get to is how worried our partner is about losing his job or how our partner feels she never feels good enough around her Mother –in-law. Not only do we struggle to get to these conversations but we also struggle to understand the far reaching impact of the feelings underneath on both sides.

‘Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading, from all the things that we are
Are not saying, can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?’

One of the best parts of my job is when I can facilitate a view into the love hiding behind the hurt; when there are experiential moments when a couple can feel the full force of the caring they are longing for. Usually there are tears. Often there is surprise and relief. It’s these moments, fed by an understanding of the dynamics, values, fears and historical role modelling lurking below that provide the fuel to keep working.

‘The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace
Shadows fade into the light
I am by your side, where love will find you….’

Find the words. I can help.

 

Lyrics from the song What about now by Daughtry.

Case Study – Space to feel again

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ryan-franco-263029As they walked in the room and hesitated; deciding where to sit, Jason and Sheila appeared awkward and disconnected. Sheila chose the single chair closest to the door. Jason waited for her to choose her seat before sitting himself alone on the double sofa. They created a picture that was to match their story.

Two months  prior, Sheila had asked Jason to move out of the home they had lived in for some 15 years. This had been a shock to him. Tears still welled in his eyes when he remembered  the afternoon of that conversation. As the tears welled Sheila sat unmoved as if she didn’t notice.

After some 15 years of marriage Sheila had had enough. Enough of Jasons refusal to get a better job, a better group of friends or better life goals. She was tired of being the breadwinner, the organiser and the dreamer.

Since he had moved out Jason had joined the gym and lost 6 kgs. He had applied for several new jobs and was short listed for two. He had started paying into the retirement fund at work and had sold the old car cluttering up their garage which had been waiting for some 5 years for him to ‘fix  it up’. It was clear Jason wanted Sheila back.

“I just can’t feel the way you want me to feel Jason”, said Sheila.

“I’m not asking you to. I’m just asking for a chance”, he woefully replied.

At the end of the first session I suggested they come separately to see me.

In our one on one session Sheila told me that she was not sure whether she wanted their marriage back or not and she was not sure what she needed in order to make the decision.

“He is pushing me away with all his want”, she exclaimed.

When I saw Jason he said he was confused by Sheila’s indifference. He wondered what that indifference really meant. He wasn’t sure he could hold out hope much longer. I could also see that Jason was sabotaging any chance of a relationship repair by incessantly texting Sheila and turning up unannounced with flowers or her favourite custard slice. He was growing desperate and frustrated and had started to get angry with her for ‘stringing him along’.

At the end of my session with Jason I asked him how he was showing Sheila his commitment.

“The flowers the calls, the lawn mowing, the changes I am making, the declarations I am making………..what more can she possibly want?”

“Have you asked ?” I replied.

I think that it is easy to show commitment when things are certain. When the ground beneath our feet is secure and when we know we are loved. It is so much more difficult to show it when we are not certain of the end result.

I was thinking that this was the perfect opportunity – a golden gift of an opportunity, for Jason to prove his commitment.

In the next session together Jason gathered his courage and asked Sheila what it was she really needed from him right now. And like magic – she told him.

In a session some 2 months later Sheila was able to tell Jason that she wanted their marriage back and that she missed him. It had been a long road for them both. Pure joy and relief radiated around the room. Jason had been able to deliver what she needed most; the space to feel again. 

Giving what feels almost impossible to give when your partner needs it is the most powerful statement of commitment we can give.

NB This is a fictional adaptation.