In a recent session, I sat back in my chair and let it all unfold. I let it run. I disregarded the pure fruitlessness of their discussion and, dare I say, the impending damage. Sometimes this is a time that I can gain valuable insight into what’s happening at home. I will often ask that very question when I pause them,
“Is this how things usually unfold at home?”
In a recent guest post that I published by Julian Bartlett-Keates, he suggested that humans often prefer to be right more than to be effective and sadly he’s right.
In order to be effective we need a goal. If we have a goal we can better aim and modify. I think most couples go into discussions believing that the goal is to negotiate some of their needs or share some of their opinions. But I wonder how different any discussion might be, if the goal were consistently aimed at, and for, the relationship first?
If we think about what kind of relationship we long for we might come up with things like: I want her to feel safe, I want him to feel admired, I want her to know that I’m always on her side, I want him to know I never want to do life without him, I want my partner to know that through good time and bad that I am the safe harbor, I want to feel close, I want to feel accepted.
I wonder…….how ‘effective’ communication could be if the goal was – relationship first?
What if the goal wasn’t focused on the next few minutes but rather focused on the next 20 years? What if the preferred outcome of every discussion was to add weight to the anchor of our relationship What if (even through difficult discussion) we were able to help our partner feel more loved and heard.
How effective could that be?
Where’s your aim?
Gail Bartlett-Harris Registered Counsellor 