Last time I looked, I didn’t own a magic wand! And, it’s true, there are times in my room I wish with all my heart that I had one.
Take the couple who have been together for 4 years and she discovers that her husband has changed his mind about wanting children. Or the couple who have spent 50 years together, only to discover there was an indiscretion about 5 years in. Perhaps it’s the wife who thought leaving her family in the UK whilst she started a family here wouldn’t worry her…only to find that it actually breaks her heart. Could be a child is seriously ill with little chance of recovery and this couple can’t face that together.
Yes. Sometimes I want a magic wand. I really really want a magic wand.
At times like these I settle back into the bigger questions about my practice.
What is my role?
In the midst of despair or journeys around corners heading into brick walls, the hardest part is to sit back and watch it happen. When, more than anything, I want the relationship in front of me to be ‘fixed’, to be warm and loving and offer both parties a soft place to fall, I am sometimes faced with the reality that none of that is going to happen.
People leave. People change. Life throws curve balls and sometimes things aren’t meant to be fixed. And for all the expertise that I have grown over all of these years and all the strategies, the goodwill, the rapport and connection…I am sometimes left with the fact that I can’t help to pull things together.
What I can do, is help couples understand their ‘whys’; help them accept with dignity, understanding and grace. Help them face what they never wanted to face and surprise themselves with the way they found their way through.
Yes – it’s true – I will try to ‘fix’ the relationships dynamics. I will try to inject some empathy and clarity and encourage experiential connection to happen right there in the room. To be honest, most of the time couples come through. Because getting in the door is already a step of dedication and sometimes……hidden somewhere deep in the conversation, we find the magic wand they had all along.
Gail Bartlett-Harris Registered Counsellor 