Tag: Communication

I will try to fix you

Published on by gailbartlettharrisLeave a comment

Last time I looked, I didn’t own a magic wand! And, it’s true, there are times in my room I wish with all my heart that I had one.

Take the couple who have been together for 4 years and she discovers that her husband has changed his mind about wanting children. Or the couple who have spent 50 years together, only to discover there was an indiscretion about 5 years in. Perhaps it’s the wife who thought leaving her family in the UK whilst she started a family here wouldn’t worry her…only to find that it actually breaks her heart. Could be a child is seriously ill with little chance of recovery and this couple can’t face that together.

Yes. Sometimes I want a magic wand. I really really want a magic wand.

At times like these I settle back into the bigger questions about my practice.

What is my role?

In the midst of despair or journeys around corners heading into brick walls, the hardest part is to sit back and watch it happen. When, more than anything, I want the relationship in front of me to be ‘fixed’, to be warm and loving and offer both parties a soft place to fall, I am sometimes faced with the reality that none of that is going to happen.

People leave. People change. Life throws curve balls and sometimes things aren’t meant to be fixed. And for all the expertise that I have grown over all of these years and all the strategies, the goodwill, the rapport and connection…I am sometimes left with the fact that I can’t help to pull things together.

What I can do, is help couples understand their ‘whys’; help them accept with dignity, understanding and grace. Help them face what they never wanted to face and surprise themselves with the way they found their way through.

Yes – it’s true – I will try to ‘fix’ the relationships dynamics. I will try to inject some empathy and clarity and encourage experiential connection to happen right there in the room. To be honest, most of the time couples come through. Because getting in the door is already a step of dedication and sometimes……hidden somewhere deep in the conversation, we find the magic wand they had all along.

Load-Bearing Walls

Published on by gailbartlettharrisLeave a comment

By Julian Bartlett-Keates

A Load-bearing wall is a structural element that supports the weight of what’s above it. It provides needed stability to an entire structure. When a load bearing wall is taken out, the structure becomes unstable. Sometimes this happens dramatically, a house imploding in on itself like some kind of tragic souffle. But often, instead, It happens gradually. Ceilings sag, doors no longer close or open properly. Eventually, there’s a collapse, but it happens slowly. Load-bearing walls are removed accidentally all the time, and often with far-reaching consequences.

Timothy is a busy man. He works 10-6 through the week and coaches childrens soccer on weekends. On Thursday nights, Timothy is home alone. His wife works an evening shift, and with no kids he has the house to himself. Well, himself and the dog. He watches movies, he listens to music. He plays video games he used to be better at. For the past three Thursdays, he’s been trying to teach the dog to bark when it hears the Yellowstone Intro. And when Timothy’s wife gets home at 10.30pm he meets her at the door and tells her he missed her. And he does miss her. She’s his favourite person. Don’t tell the dog. When her work schedule shifts he greets the increased quality time with optimism. His wife has been wanting them to watch Yellowstone so they start watching three episodes on a Thursday night. Besides the constant barking, he doesn’t mind it.

A few weeks in, something strange happens. Timothy snaps at a co-worker. They’re late. Always. And frankly it’s always annoyed him, but this is really the first time he’s actually snapped. He notices he has a lot on his mind, and starts finding it harder to sleep. He’s never wanted to take a day off so badly. He notices himself getting frustrated with break room conversations, grocery trips and even, at times, with relatively innocuous things that his wife says. She brings it up. He doesn’t know what to say. They argue. He feels worn out. Really worn out. He feels like he can’t seem to find a second anywhere to breathe. I can take this in any number of dramatic and shocking directions, but I think you probably see where I’m going with this one. Timothy took out a load-bearing wall in his life.

If things feel important, even if you don’t have the words to justify why, it’s worth looking into why they feel important. And if you’re noticing sagging ceilings, and doors that stick, maybe it’s worth really considering the things you need in place to hold up everything above.

Where’s your Aim?

Published on by gailbartlettharrisLeave a comment

In a recent session, I sat back in my chair and let it all unfold. I let it run. I disregarded the pure fruitlessness of their discussion and, dare I say, the impending damage. Sometimes this is a time that I can gain valuable insight into what’s happening at home. I will often ask that very question when I pause them,

“Is this how things usually unfold at home?”

In a recent guest post that I published by Julian Bartlett-Keates, he suggested that humans often prefer to be right more than to be effective and sadly he’s right.

In order to be effective we need a goal. If we have a goal we can better aim and modify. I think most couples go into discussions believing that the goal is to negotiate some of their needs or share some of their opinions. But I wonder how different any discussion might be, if the goal were consistently aimed at, and for, the relationship first?

If we think about what kind of relationship we long for we might come up with things like: I want her to feel safe, I want him to feel admired, I want her to know that I’m always on her side, I want him to know I never want to do life without him, I want my partner to know that through good time and bad that I am the safe harbor, I want to feel close, I want to feel accepted.

I wonder…….how ‘effective’ communication could be if the goal was – relationship first?

What if the goal wasn’t focused on the next few minutes but rather focused on the next 20 years? What if the preferred outcome of every discussion was to add weight to the anchor of our relationship What if (even through difficult discussion) we were able to help our partner feel more loved and heard.

How effective could that be?

Where’s your aim?

Effective Communication

Published on by gailbartlettharris2 Comments

By Julian Bartlett-Keates

“I believe one of the greatest human failings is to prefer to be right than to be effective”
This is a quote from Stephen Fry, someone I admire quite considerably. I believe it’s true. I’m guilty of it myself. I think many can relate to the experience of being so pulled into an argument that whether it’s a useful expenditure of your time and energy goes completely out of the window. Perhaps an internet argument. Perhaps Jenny from New Plymouth implied on one of your marketplace listings that you’re a bad pet owner and she can’t possibly be allowed to get away with it. The same thing can happen in relationships. Sometimes it can be valuable to make sure we’re aiming for the right thing. Am I trying to be right, or am I trying to be effective? Are we having the same conversations? Where will those conversations get us? Life is hard, and we all get tired. Trying something new takes energy we don’t always feel like we have. But new habits and new conversations lead to different results. And a lot of us could use some different results. So if we feel like we’re circling the drain of the same argument or disagreement that we’ve had a million times, let’s think about the conversations we’re not having

What if love’s lost behind words we can never find?

Published on by gailbartlettharris1 Comment

Love lost behind

‘What about now? What about today?
What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it’s lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it’s too late, what about now?’

Words unspoken and words spoken is, I believe, the number one reason relationships fail. And of course, the work that I do is to directly work on this.

Whilst it’s true that hurtful things said can never be taken away, sometimes understanding the motivation for saying them can dull or even remove that hurt. And whilst feeling as if we are getting little response from our partner can make us feel unwanted, when we understand the dynamics of our communication we can better reach each other.

In relationships we tend to mostly exist in a surface loop. By this I mean dealing with everyday stuff and repetitive patterns. We argue about why our partner is late home from work again or how they seem to have two different sets of rules (one for their family and another one for ours). What we seldom manage to get to is how worried our partner is about losing his job or how our partner feels she never feels good enough around her Mother –in-law. Not only do we struggle to get to these conversations but we also struggle to understand the far reaching impact of the feelings underneath on both sides.

‘Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading, from all the things that we are
Are not saying, can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?’

One of the best parts of my job is when I can facilitate a view into the love hiding behind the hurt; when there are experiential moments when a couple can feel the full force of the caring they are longing for. Usually there are tears. Often there is surprise and relief. It’s these moments, fed by an understanding of the dynamics, values, fears and historical role modelling lurking below that provide the fuel to keep working.

‘The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace
Shadows fade into the light
I am by your side, where love will find you….’

Find the words. I can help.

 

Lyrics from the song What about now by Daughtry.