Don’t believe all the hype. No really! Don’t.

It never fails to amaze me how many ‘relationship’ and modern day ‘moral’ experts there are out there. Especially on social media. As a generality, if you have a spouse who has strayed, our society does not support staying in that relationship. Facebook warriors and well meaning Aunts proclaim that you are – quote : Worth more. You would think that the transgression had been yours (not your spouse’s) because the peer and societal weight of shame leveled at you if you stay, can be immense.

Affairs can have a devastating effect on relationships. They can also provide a platform for communication that is more transparent and honest than many relationships can only dream of.

I believe that leaving a relationship after an affair is brave. I believe that staying is braver. It could be that recovery is not possible. It could also be that the relationship is born anew; stronger, closer, more real, more committed and with higher levels of intimacy.

There are stages to it’s recovery, and getting through the crisis stage is not for the faint-hearted. But the rewards can be worth the journey.

As Esther Perel says in her book ‘The State of Affairs’, we expect so very much of our relationships now. Just listen to some modern vows and the promises we make! We promise to satisfy our spouses every need. And we expect the same in return. We expect our partner to be stable but to offer excitement, be practical but connect with us spiritually. They should be our best friend, our confidante, our financial security, our mind reader. They should be emotionally intelligent and know how to respond to us emotionally at any moment of the day. They should feel comfortable and un-demanding but be able to stimulate us intellectually. They should accept us in our fluffy pajamas but still want to approach us with ‘rip your clothes off passion’! It’s little wonder that relationships can feel under par or lifeless and we, or our partners can feel not good enough.

Relationships benefit from a dose of reality. If we work hard and keep communication strong, we can work our way through the toughest differences and disappointments. Once the initial shock and flight or fight responses subside, an affair can help bring us back to ground zero, where we can work out what it is we both want and …how possible that is……and what we are both prepared to do to get the relationship there. It affords opportunity for thoughts that were previously in the shadows to come out in the light, where they can be considered and heard.

Don’t listen to the hype. Staying might not always be the right choice – but when it is – its brave and can reap big rewards.